Sometimes the gay world can seem like one big spare room. You have a friend who has a friend who lives in a city you want to visit, and the mutual friend thinks you’d get along famously, maybe even sexually. Or a friend you haven’t seen in a long time has recently moved to a city that’s much more appealing, where hotels are much more expensive. Or someone you had a short, casual chat with said you were welcome if you happened to be in his city—and you are, indeed, going to his city. Or someone you’ve been flirting with online for a while invites you to crash at his place some weekend. Then there are those guys with cottages and cabins just begging to be slept in.
All of these gay houseguest opportunities can be delightful—or treacherous. As the guest, the burden of responsibility falls upon you to be easy company, someone who brings as much enjoyment to the host as you save in hotel bills. But that doesn’t mean a guest is completely at the mercy of a host (unless they want to be—but that’s another story). Here are some tips to help make you a houseguest who will get invited back again and again.
Timing is everything
Hosting/guesting is as much about managing time as it is about space. Even if you know your host is hands-off, he’ll probably want to be there to let you in and get you set up. A more active host may have arranged activities and made reservations. Be clear about your arrival and departure times, and keep your host up to date on changes and delays. The longer the stay, the more you will need to take into account how your visit is affecting your host’s schedule. There’s a saying that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. If you want to stay longer, you may need to constantly communicate your comings and goings.
What are you there for exactly?
There is fun in ambiguity and in playing it by ear. Maybe you begin a visit as acquaintances and end it as lovers. Maybe you want to spend a lot of time with your host, but if they have a busy work week, you’re happy keeping yourself busy as a tourist. But it’s polite to give some sense of what the host might be in for, particularly the time commitment and level of intimacy you’re planning on. Set appropriate expectations. Don’t imply you want to spend a week rekindling your friendship if you just want to use their couch as a crash pad while you spend your days sightseeing and nights out getting laid. It’s better to make the deal clear: “I’m looking for a place to stay while I do X for X nights, and would love to cook you a dinner while I’m there.” If you see them as a friend, but suspect they see you as more (or vice versa), you may need to be explicit about the sleeping arrangements.
Figuring out independence and dependence
Some hosts like to toss you the keys and leave you to choose your own adventure—maybe they’ll see you, maybe they won’t. Some will pick you up, tour you around, lead excursions, cook meals and provide lots of personal attention. Some expect guests to “pay” their way by providing meals, or at least taking them out to dinner. No matter how generous the host, a guest should arrive with a non-perishable gift (non-perishable because otherwise it might look like you’re bringing it for consumption as part of your visit—that’s not a gift). A guest should also seriously offer to either cook for their host (including buying the major ingredients) or take them to dinner at least once during the stay. Even if the host won’t hear of it—and perhaps doesn’t want you messing up the kitchen—making the offer prevents you from being seen as a parasite.
Especially for longer stays, you’re entitled to ask for a change of pace over the course of the stay—and so is your host. “I know we’ve been doing a lot of things together, but I want to try a couple of outings on my own.” In fact, it’s even worth inventing outings for yourself to give your host some downtime.
Getting intimate
As a rule of thumb, if you want to have sex with your host, it’s primarily your responsibility to make that known. Why? Because it seems creepy and transactional if it’s the host who makes the first move—a host has more control of the situation than the guest, so they must take that imbalance into account. Both of you have the right to politely decline to have sex or issue a rain check for another time. This is true even if it was implied in the invitation; circumstances change. If you’re planning to stay with someone you barely know and it turns out to be a predatory situation—or the situation is otherwise not what was expected—leaving should always be an option: make sure you know your location well enough that you can get out of there, and make sure you can afford at least a night or two in paid accommodations, if it comes to that.
Guests who host
It is bad form to invite strangers into a home that is not your own. Even if you think your host will never find out, there’s always the chance that something bad will happen—or that the smell of poppers or cologne will linger in the air. If you really need to hook up, go to a sauna, cheap hotel or cruising grounds. There is an exception to this rule: Some hosts enjoy the fact their place is being used as a pleasure palace. But you need to be told this; never assume it.
Replacing what you consume
Nobody should be counting toilet paper squares or cookies during a visit—a host who does so shouldn’t be hosting. But if you’ve been indulging in premium spirits, ordering lobster for delivery on the host’s account or taking long drives in the host’s gas-guzzler, then you should offer to chip in. Better yet, discreetly refill supplies without even asking. At the very least, tell the host when you’ve used the last of a kitchen ingredient or when you’ve broken something. The host shouldn’t discover they have no ketchup or serving plate several weeks later in the middle of hosting a barbecue.
Privacy and discretion
Maybe you suspect your host has a play dungeon or closet full of fetish items you’re curious about. If your host wants you to see what he’s got, he’ll show you—or at least pointedly leave a door ajar. Don’t go snooping; it’s tacky. Also remember it’s not your job to redecorate or reorganize. Compliment what you like about the host’s home and consider the rest of it none of your business.
To strip or not to strip
Some guests, in an effort to be helpful, will strip their bedding as they’re leaving. That may be appreciated—or may not be. Don’t risk bugging your host, who may have their own methods. Ask before you do it.
Acknowledge the hospitality
Though thank-you cards might seem old-fashioned, they’re almost never unwelcome. If that’s too uncool, you should at least message your host that you successfully made it home or to your next destination, and that you appreciated their generosity. Do so even if your host bitched about something; sharing a space can be stressful and little annoyances shouldn’t mean the visit is remembered as a disaster.
