If you’ve been out for any time at all, your friends and acquaintances have told you about them, or perhaps photos of them have been clogging up your social-media feeds. Sunsets, cocktails, pools, dancefloors, rainbow flags, and miles and miles of hotties.
They’re the gay travel meccas.
Some are small, like Fire Island, Phuket, Provincetown, Sitges and Mykonos. Some are mega-sized, like Berlin, New York, London, Paris, Madrid and Rio de Janeiro. Some are just the right size for Goldilocks: San Francisco, Puerto Vallarta, Fort Lauderdale. Being located on a body of water is common but not necessary. (Right, Palm Springs?)
No matter their size, what gay meccas have in common is their abundance of gayness. Which is to say that each one has a high number or high percentage of businesses devoted to LGBTQ+ consumers: boutiques, restaurants, bars, clubs, saunas and events. And that there are a high number or percentage of gay locals—often running said businesses—matched by a high number or percentage of gay visitors. The straight people in these destinations, if there are any, are usually aware they’re in a gay mecca and give us the respect and space we need to enjoy ourselves.
Most of us don’t live in such gay-dominant places, where it’s more likely that flirting with a random stranger on the street will be rewarded with a smile than confusion or stink eye. It can take some getting used to. Here are some tips for first-time visitors to gay travel meccas. Follow this advice and it certainly won’t be your last visit to a gay wonderland.
Pick the gay destination that’s the best fit for you
Just like some cities are more intense than others, each gay vacation destination has its own level of difficulty. If you’re used to Denver, New York City can be intimidating.
First, there’s the price. Fire Island, Sitges, Paris and Provincetown, for example, are not for queers on a tight budget. Smaller communities, in particular, have more competition for accommodation and you are often paying a premium just to be there.
Then there’s the level of shade. New York gays on Fire Island, men who build their lives around their gym routines, are likely to be less approachable than, say, New England gays who do long weekends in Ogunquit, Maine. If you simply want some eye candy, then anybody can have a good time at a place like Mykonos during the Xlsior festival. But if you want to seduce guys at Xlsior, you might want to book a personal trainer 12 months before arrive on the island.
Also, consider the vibe: Do you want a scene that’s more alternative and/or genderqueer, which can be found in places like San Francisco and Berlin? Or do you want venues that have shiny up-to-the-minute style, like Miami or Sydney? Leather like Cologne, Antwerp and Chicago? Where does your crowd like to go? If you want both an all-season beach and a big city, your choices quickly narrow to Rio de Janeiro, Sydney and Fort Lauderdale.
Finally, how densely gay do you want it? There’s Provincetown gay, which is as close to 100 percent gay as imaginable. Or there’s a gay destination like Madrid, where you might, if you’re not careful, run into some straight people. Or are you detective enough to turn Rome, which does not reveal its gay until you start digging around for it, into a gay destination?
In smaller meccas, you can usually just walk down the main drag to see what’s up. That’s what their fans love about them. In bigger meccas, where real-estate prices have pushed party places out of downtown cores, you might have to do some homework ahead of time to find your tribe. If you’re hoping for a certain kind of event during your stay—whether it’s a slutty bear orgy or a classical-music festival—search social media to find out what’s happening when and where, and how to get tickets.
Once there, buy into the vibe
We’ve all ended up in destinations that weren’t what we expected or that weren’t our first choice. Where the crowd is too basic or too edgy or too snooty or too drugged-out or too straight or too young or too old or just too too. The venues are small or empty or far away or expensive or too unfamiliar or too familiar.
Unless your brand is Debbie Downer, lean into what the place is giving. We are all infinite. If you don’t have the wardrobe to fit in with the posh posers, show up as a goth and laugh at their reactions. Buy the $25 cocktail and savour every sip…or be proud of making a statement by ordering a $4 beer instead. I was once in Phuket, Thailand, with a friend who didn’t want to eat Thai food. That tested my patience, until I made a scavenger hunt–style game of finding alternatives. If the gay is discreet, like in Saugatuck, Michigan, you can make a similar game of finding fellow queers.
It’s okay to be aspirational. Maybe you’re not a sex pig or sugar daddy yet, but after a week in Berlin or Palm Springs, you may return as one.
Pack for (sexual) adventures
When you’re in an LGBTQ+-friendly bubble, take full advantage of it. If there’s a bathing suit you’ve been shy about wearing, a harness you’ve never had the nerve to show off, some nail polish you’ve been tempted to try, bring them along. You’re not in your home city. Even if it’s the worst-case scenario and you look as terrible as you fear (believe me, you don’t!), you’re surrounded by strangers who have other eye candy to ogle. If you have fantasies, now is the time to make them happen. One caveat: drug-related experimentation should be avoided when you are unfamiliar with the local laws and the local drug marketplace. Another caveat: know your limits—if you decide an experience you’ve fantasized about isn’t for you, just end it and leave. Your safety and your respect for your own limits are more important than some queens rolling their eyes at your hasty departure.
Pack for (nonsexual) adventures
Even if it’s solely the nightlife that made you visit a gay travel mecca, you’re going to have some daylight hours to kill between the after-party and afternoon happy hour. Bring what you need for a swim, a hike or a workout. You will better understand how a place ticks if you walk around, see some sights and do some nonsexual/nonflirtatious activities that you enjoy doing.
Plan on meeting people
Lots of destinations are ideal for solitude and passive contemplation of architecture, art, local culture and natural beauty. Gay travel meccas are not among them. Especially in high season. The main reason to head to Russian River for Lazy Bear Week is not to gaze upon the landscape, pretty as it might be. Almost everybody is heading to gay travel meccas to rub shoulders with existing and future friends and lovers. Take breaks, sure, especially if you need some alone time—you don’t have to be the most popular girl at the party. But be as open to conversation and flirting as you’re able. People-watching counts.
Believe that you’ll find your people
It’s very easy, when among strangers, to take a quick look around and think: Nobody here is my age, gets where I come from, likes the things I like, finds me attractive. That’s almost always untrue. Even if there’s nobody that looks like you on the dancefloor, someone there will share your appreciation or disdain for the DJ. Even the most homogenous crowd has a few freaks. And queers are notorious for their eclectic tastes—for example, nasty leather men who love opera, Britney fans who study archeology. Dig a little.
Don’t be afraid of the bitches
Not everybody has the best social skills. There are more shy people in the world than gregarious ones; even smooth talkers can find it hard to break into cliques. Try anyway. Guys can be aloof because they’re not interested, but also freeze up when they’re so interested that they’re intimidated. Find a polite and/or flirty way in—complimenting someone’s look is an easy way to start. Keeping expectations in check can make striking up a conversation less daunting. For an initial chat, the goal should be about passing a few pleasant minutes, not finding a BFF. Most gay meccas are compact enough that you’ll run into the same guys over and over again—sometimes over the course of several visits—so you’ll have opportunities to deepen the connection. Seeing the same people repeatedly is also a reason to play nice.
Do lots of things, but not everything
Visiting a place like Barcelona, New York or Bangkok for the first time is like sitting down in front of an all-you-can-eat buffet. Hell, even a far-flung island resort town like Maspalomas has dozens of LGBTQ+ venues to check out. Remember that you’re not being tested on this. You don’t have to visit every bar, sauna and nightclub. Poke around, find the venues and people you most enjoy, and spend your time and money with them. You’ll see destination veterans returning to the same restaurants, the same stretches of sand, the same stools at the bar. It’s okay to play favourites.
Show the locals the respect they deserve
Over the last few years, there’s been a backlash against overtourism, especially in Europe. The money earned from visitors isn’t worth it for locals if they don’t feel at home in their own communities. Sometimes it’s not about the number of tourists, but their behaviour. There was talk last year about Bear Week in Sitges getting cancelled because of sex allegedly taking place in public spaces. Visitors need to respect local norms, especially when outside LGBTQ+ venues. Respect includes taking care with respect to litter, noise, and the consumption of drugs and alcohol, as well as sex. If a destination has earned a reputation as a gay travel mecca, there are definitely spots where it’s fine to get frisky. That doesn’t mean every street corner and strip of beach is your playground.
