Droopy-eyed and disoriented, I looked around in happy, half-asleep confusion at the motley group of gay 21-year-old Brazilian men and their grandmas that I, perhaps inexplicably, had become a part of. I was at a 3 a.m. afterparty for my Brazilian situationship’s gay football league game. In Brazil, community football games are an activity for the entire family, grandmothers and all. This was just one of the many cultural tidbits I’d learned from dating a Brazilian man.
The gays were practising the hand movements for a TikTok dance. Or at least, that’s what I thought they were doing. “TikTok” was the only word I had understood in the last five minutes. I’d only started taking Portuguese classes two weeks prior. In fact, my incomprehension of the conversation unspooling before me had lent a surreal quality to the situation. A young American visiting Brazil for the first time as a digital nomad, I had never expected to stay with a local man for more than a few nights. And yet, I had been with this beautiful intrepid footballer (and part-time Uber driver) for a month. I had even begun learning Portuguese to better communicate with his friends. And now, I was letting my head slump against his shoulder. I could feel his wiry muscles shift under my temple. The early summer air, laden with passionfruit, brushed past my cheek. I was to leave Brazil, and this man, in just two days.
My experience is certainly not unique. Just like romance novels are a dime a dozen, intercontinental queer romances are as frequent as unsolicited butthole pics on hookup apps. However, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do these vacationships.
To that end, I present my dissertation on Ethical Vacation Dating 101.
1. Leave the exceptionalism at home
Travellers from developed countries heading to less-developed places—or places where things just work differently—might, without thinking, have one of two reactions: (1) Believe their country is better than this new country. (2) Believe their country is better than this new country but subjugate all their feelings, guiltily complimenting everything they see. For example, “The stray dogs everywhere are so charming; in Scarsdale, the streets are clean to the point of being boring.” Those who have these thoughts should consider Plan C— acknowledging that their vacation destination is operating at a different pace of economic development, perhaps due to what other countries have done to it over centuries. In such cases, there may be income inequality between a traveller and their local lover; however, a visitor can equal things out by being respectful and meeting the lover on their own terms. When someone makes an effort to learn about the language and culture of the person they’re sleeping with, they may sometimes wind up at a 3 a.m. football game afterparty in Florianópolis, Brazil.
2. Set expectations right away
Before setting up a second date, it’s important to make sure both parties are on the same page. Digital nomads who can feasibly stay in their lover’s hometown for many months have a longer runway to build on that first date. But vacationers, or digital nomads who are only staying long enough to try the wiener schnitzel, should be clear about what they can offer. After I returned to Brazil and watched my situationship with the football player fizzle into friendship, I moved on to Lima, Peru. While staying there, I met a nice local guy who shared my passion for RuPaul’s Drag Race. I told him up front that I’d be leaving in two weeks; however, this Peruvian guy and I kept chatting after I left, just for funsies, and when I eventually did come back, we had a whole foundation to build on. We’ve now been dating for two and a half years.
3. Be open to what it could become
Even if you can’t continue dating your vacation lover, you may still make a friend for life.
If you experience a real spark, and if your encounter feels like more than a wordless hookup, don’t let that go just because you’re flying home the next day. At worst, you’ll have an engaging penpal who you might never see again. At best, you’ll end up in the same country again one day and get engaged. That latter option is especially attractive if the man you met happens to be a Swiss hedge fund manager.
4. Don’t expect to complete your tourism checklist
Those lucky enough to catch a regular hookup while abroad shouldn’t assume guaranteed companionship for all their planned tourist activities. Would a Paris native really want to take 500 selfies in front of the Eiffel Tower? Would an Orlando native want to hear “It’s a Small World” every day? (Great, now it’s stuck in my head.) Dating a local comes with very different benefits. They can take you off the beaten path and open doorways into hidden worlds—the worlds of the locals—where everything is cheaper, cooler and far less crowded. By taking this approach, a traveller will be giving more back to the local community. Plus, the visitor can hit the Eiffel Tower on their way to the airport.
5. Don’t break their heart
This is less of a Travel Ethics 101 lesson and more of a “don’t be an asshole” lesson. A traveller shouldn’t string along a local, hinting that they might extend their stay, just to ensure steady smashing for two weeks. Yes, certain American writers with Peruvian boyfriends of two and a half years have been known to do this, but that was many years ago, during the Obama administration, when I—uh, he—didn’t know better. I—he—is more mature now and should not be held responsible for my former actions.
