We might take a trip for the culture, the landscape or to attend an event, but meanwhile, we’re also still hoping we can hook up. The locals are hot. Some even seem flirty when we pass them in the street. But maybe a country’s laws and attitudes make it hard to meet up. What works at home, we suspect, may not be the best way to meet guys in a particular destination—or even be safe. Sometimes our dream travel destinations are not as safe as we’d like them to be.
Approximately 64 countries currently criminalize same-sex sexual activity—and 11 of those have the death penalty as a possible punishment for those who are convicted. Even in countries where such laws do not exist, local attitudes may make it unsafe to flirt, cruise or reveal one’s sexual orientation to others, especially in public. Less extreme laws, like those against obscenity, indecency and loitering, are also used to target gay and bi men.
At the same time, there is often some grey area in less-safe destinations. Antigay laws may not be widely enforced or are enforced but in an inconsistent way. Foreigners might be treated less harshly than locals—or more harshly, depending on what message authorities want to send. Public displays of affection may attract the attention of the police, but discreet encounters in a private home or hotel room may be unnoticed, ignored or tolerated. It can be as unpredictable as the level of homophobia of the cop who is on duty or the front-desk clerk who sees a guest bringing an unregistered person up to their room.
In some cultures, male-to-male physical contact, like hand-holding and putting an arm around each other, may be acceptable, even common, while kissing or hugging may be illegal or taboo. In Malaysia, for example, holding hands is usually okay in many areas of Kuala Lumpur. In fact, it’s not unusual to see straight men holding hands there. But kissing or other public displays of affection may result in charges under Section 294(a) of the Penal Code, which prohibits obscene acts in public places. Parks, malls and other places might have their own stricter rules.
Unless you are a local, it can be hard to guess what the expectations and repercussions might be of any queer behaviour. Local rules and norms may not be obvious until a visitor violates them.
Our main piece of advice about hooking up in societies where it is prohibited or taboo: don’t do it. Your libido can wait a week or two. But we also have tips for those who can’t resist.
1. Research local laws and attitudes before you book
Invest time in understanding the legal landscape and societal attitudes toward LGBTQ+ people in your destination. Government resources like the U.S. Department of State, Global Affairs Canada and the U.K.’s Foreign, Commonwealth & Development Office have advisories about safety in general (crime, war, terrorism) as well as for LGBTQ+ travellers. The International LGTBTQ+ Travel Association publishes a series of regional and country guides. Dig deeper to find out about attitudes and norms.
The existence or absence of a law may not tell the whole story about how authorities, service workers or the general public will react to behaviour that’s considered “queer.” Though few travellers are going to another country to get married, the legality of same-sex marriage, and other equality-based legislation, can be an indicator about how friendly a country might be. At the other end of the spectrum, Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Bill leaves no room for guessing: simply identifying as LGBTQ+ can result in severe penalties, including the death penalty for “aggravated homosexuality.”
2. Choose accommodations wisely
The easiest solution is opting for accommodations known for their discretion and understanding of LGBTQ+ guests. International hotel chains like Marriott, Accor and Hilton have policies supporting diversity and inclusion, though not all staff members may be as well-trained as we’d like them to be. Smaller family-run hotels are more of a gamble. Renting a private apartment through services like Airbnb or Misterbnb may reduce the scrutiny faced by a guest’s visitors, but read the fine print on the rental (are unregistered guests even allowed?) and get a sense of the neighbourhood and the building itself (is there a concierge?) before making the booking. Also, how much should you trust your visitors? A front-desk clerk or concierge might be the first line of defence in keeping someone safe from their own hookups.
3. Be discreet when online
Depending on the country, travellers may want to remove face pics and other identifying information from the hookup and social apps they’re using to arrange dates, meet likeminded guys or find out about the scene. Should your anonymous hookup profile be linked to the Instagram page where you post about your work? Some apps have privacy features that can prevent giving away a user’s exact location. Suggesting video or audio calls with someone you’re chatting with can help verify if the person is who they say they are and want what they say they want. In some jurisdictions, authorities will pretend to be hookup app users in order to entrap and arrest gay and bi men. Criminals may do the same.
Chat styles and the slang used in profiles might be different in different cultures. Ask a lot of specific questions to make sure the guy you’re chatting with is on the same page as you. For example, if someone in an unfamiliar destination seems extraordinarily interested in you, it could be because you’re their type—or they could have other motives.
In some countries, LGBTQ+-oriented apps and websites are banned or blocked. Those who can’t go without can use a VPN to mask their location and skirt the restrictions. If you do so and don’t find many locals online, that’s a sign that online hookups might be risky in that location, even if precautions have been taken.
4. Edit your public persona
In many countries, public displays of affection between same-gender couples (or any couples) can attract unwanted attention and potential legal repercussions. It’s advisable to reserve such expressions for private settings. What have come to be queer signifiers—certain hair styles, painted nails on people who present as masculine, rainbow and other LGBTQ+ symbols, gender nonconforming clothing—can be tricky. In some cultures, a Nasty Pig hat or trans flag will go right over the heads of locals (except perhaps those we actually want to meet). In others, they can make the wearer a target. Russia’s “gay propaganda” law, passed in 2013, can be triggered by even the subtlest expressions of LGBTQ+ identity and allyship.
5. Plan in advance how you’ll meet in person
When meeting any stranger, meet in public. Giving out your address online is always a bad idea. What if your date shows up with other people? What if he’s a cop or criminal? What if he won’t leave? Meeting someone at a private address also puts you in a situation you don’t control. What if someone like the police or a criminal sees you enter a place where foreigners don’t normally go? What if there are other unexpected people present? What if you can’t easily get away if things go wrong? Arrange first meetings in a public place, like a coffee shop, mall or park, preferably one close to where you’re staying and that you’re somewhat familiar with. Don’t bring valuables like your passport or large sums of cash. Let a friend or ally know where you are. Even if you’re travelling solo, message a friend with your coordinates and a link or screenshot of the person you’re meeting. Message the friend again when things are going well and when the date is finished. Perhaps message them again to tell them you’ve fallen in love or lust.
6. Don’t go too far outside your comfort zone
The type of venue you love, like a bar or club, might not exist in the destination you’re visiting. Or these venues might be located in far-flung and sketchy places. There might be zero locals on the hookup app you usually use. A visit to a high-risk country is probably not the time to try a new strategy for meeting guys. That includes public flirting in a park or cruising area, going to an out-of-the-way district or visiting an underground gathering. Your otherwise excellent skills at reading the room may not work in a foreign country. Signals of interest or disinterest may not be the same as back home. You may not notice warnings from others in that place. As a visitor you won’t know whether a supposed cruising area is quiet because of the time of day or if there have been recent—possibly repeated—police raids. If it’s a risk you wouldn’t take in your hometown, don’t take it abroad. The same advice also applies to recreational drug use.
7. Don’t endanger locals
You may have deduced that the local authorities don’t care what big-spending tourists get up to in the privacy of their hotel rooms. But the same isn’t necessarily true for guys who are living in the destination you’re visiting. Our advice about being discreet online? Also respect locals who are shy about sharing face pics and who need to ask you a lot of questions before trusting you. In Egypt and some Gulf countries, for example, authorities have surveilled dating apps and used photos or text messages as evidence. If a visitor posts or shares a photo identifying a local, it could later be used against that person. Never tag or post an image of someone without their explicit permission. Our advice about meeting dates in public before taking your encounter private? In some countries, locals may have legitimate fears about being seen with foreigners. Make sure your chosen meeting spot is safe for both of you, perhaps a very touristy area where mingling between locals and foreigners is common. Once you’re together, remember that even a light touch could attract unwanted attention for your new friend.
8. Trust your instincts
If something feels wrong—or too good to be true—listen to your gut. It’s okay to cancel plans or walk away from situations that don’t feel safe. Ghosting is rude, but when criminal prosecution is a possibility, visitors shouldn’t feel too guilty about stopping a chat and blocking someone. It’s wonderful to feel wanted, but too much flattery can be a sign of bad intentions. If someone is intensely attracted to you, you are the one with the power to decide where and when to meet.
