Gay men are excellent at reading the room—until we leave our own. Then the instincts that serve us so well on our own turf (getting the kind of attention we want with short shorts, tight tanks and rainbow accessories) can land somewhere between awkward, unsafe or disrespectful to those we would rather not disrespect.
Some situations are encoded in law. Iran for women is probably the most extreme example: they are required by law to wear a headscarf, loose-fitting outer garments and full-length trousers while outside their homes, a requirement that is enforced by aerial drones, facial recognition systems and an app that allows citizens to snitch on each other. It’s not just a worry for women. Men in Saudi Arabia and Sudan have been arrested for wearing makeup and/or having a feminized appearance; just last year a man in Dubai was arrested for wearing sleepwear in public.
But rules and taboos are not always written down. In many destinations, attitudes do the policing. Locals might stare, avoid interactions, deny service or worse—verbal and physical attacks, for example—in response to someone who is perceived to be wearing something unsuitable or offensive.
Context matters when it comes to appropriate travel attire. What is acceptable on a beach or at a resort may not be okay on the street, even in the same country or region. Staff at a high-end resort may quash their discomfort at a thong, but bar staff in the city centre may not. Visiting religious sites may require covering exposed skin, including arms and legs, and removing footwear and headgear. A little more silence, a little less tea might also be advised when visiting sacred sites.
Travellers also need to take into consideration the level of LGBTQ2S+ literacy in a destination. The rainbow flag has become an almost-global symbol for LGBTQ2S+ people and culture, though rainbow flags in, say, Peru and Sicily can have other meanings. Wearing a rainbow flag in general is highly likely to out you, so you must decide if you truly want to be out in a given situation.
Most straight people who notice “NP” or a stylized “X” on a baseball cap won’t know that it’s a product of gay fetishwear companies Nasty Pig or Boxer, respectively. But a T-shirt illustrated with hundreds of tiny penises might not be as quietly gay-coded as you’re hoping.
We would never want to get in the way of a traveller expressing themselves. But we feel obliged to give advice about wardrobe choices that could have negative repercussions.
The street is not the beach (& not the club, either)
It’s a common mistake to assume that warm weather equals relaxed social norms. In conservative or religious destinations—Morocco, Jordan, Egypt, parts of southern Italy, rural Mexico, Indonesia outside Bali—very short shorts, crop tops, and sheer shirts worn on the street don’t read as “fashion-forward.” They read as disrespectful at best and provocative at worst.
There can be a sharp contrast between acceptable wardrobe at resorts/in resort towns and the rest of the country. In Puerto Vallarta’s Zona Romántica, for example, people may love it if you look like you just stepped off a porn shoot. That may not be the case in a small Mexican town, even one a short distance away.
Your slutty look may not disturb those around you, but it can signal to others that you’re ignorant. In many parts of Latin America, for example, skin is fine on the beach, at resorts or at clubs, but wearing shorts in the downtown of a city signals cluelessness that may attract unwanted attention, including criminal attention. You may see a lot of bare arms in an upscale shopping district, but there is a difference between a tanktop, a T-shirt and a collared shirt.
Save the micro-Speedo for the beach, the pool, the gay bar or the hotel terrace, spaces where skin is expected and consented to.
Rule of thumb:
If local men aren’t wearing it to buy groceries, you probably shouldn’t either.
Gay venues have rules, too, sometimes unwritten
A leather harness can be hot. It can also be inappropriate. Wearing fetish gear in a non-gay nightclub in Tokyo, Istanbul, Bogotá or Bangkok doesn’t make you daring; it makes you the main character in a story that may involve not getting into the club at all.
Even within gay nightlife, context matters. A harness at a leather bar will help you fit in. A harness at a mixed-crowd cocktail lounge may result in an evening of awkwardness. It could be a jockstraps-or-less party, but smart travellers will stay fully dressed until they’re well inside the venue. These sorts of parties are almost guaranteed to have a clothes-check service.
It’s not always about propriety. In gay-friendly cities with many different subcultures, dress codes can be part of the experience. Black leather shoes—not brown—may be a requirement at a London, U.K., fetish event. But the venue’s definition of sports gear or latex may not be yours.
A traveller may not like the fact that leather harnesses have become the de facto uniform at many circuit-style parties. But do you have the grit to spend an evening in your polo shirt surrounded by leather-bound chests? It depends on how you like to start conversations.
Rule of thumb:
Check out a venue or party’s website and social media beforehand, to see how people are dressing.
Nude beaches, clothing-optional beaches & gay variations
Firstly, there are lots of nude beaches and nude resorts that aren’t necessarily gay-friendly or gay-dominated. Straight people sometimes like to get naked, too. Though straight nudists are often “cool,” it doesn’t mean they want to see gay sex or affection.
Many of the world’s clothing-optional beaches are remote—a good rule of thumb is that the more remote they are, the gayer they’re likely to be. Yet some can be close to beaches that are clothing-mandatory and patronized by families with children. Is your spot visible from the parking lot, the snack bar? It can be hard to believe, but there are even gay men who don’t want to see your skills at giving pleasure.
On nude beaches, especially ones that are easily accessible by the general public, always remember that naked does not equal sexual. A Reddit user recently asked if he could wear a chastity cage in Zipolite, a small Mexico resort town that attracts nudists of all orientations from around the world to its large beach. Zipolite also has a small, harder-to-get-to mini-beach, called Playa del Amor, that is mostly frequented by gay men. Most responders said he shouldn’t. “Zipo is a nudist beach, it’s very gay friendly, almost entirely gay travellers, but I have never seen [a chastity cage] in public,” wrote one. “You could probably get away with it. Some people may cringe because it does sexualize what is more of a naturist experience. IMO it’s in poor taste,” wrote another. A third responded: “On the main beach, it’s mostly families and locals, so a cage might get some side-eye for sexualizing a naturist space. If you want to wear it openly, head to Playa del Amor…. It’s much more kink-friendly and nobody will care.”
While some clothing-optional beaches have a legal mandate, others exist in a legal grey area simply because locals are tolerant. Go too far and it’s not impossible that authorities could intervene. A crackdown may not affect you directly, but it may affect the future of the space and the gay men who enjoy it.
Side note: If visiting a non-nude beach you’re unfamiliar with, dressed in a skimpy string bikini, you might want to bring along a pair of jammer shorts, too, just in case your preferred wardrobe attracts attention that you don’t want.
Rule of thumb:
Nude doesn’t mean sexual. Always maintain environmental awareness and err on the side of caution.
Gender, gender play & queerness
Showing skin and wearing clothes that signal, uh, sexual readiness are not the only considerations when visiting a destination that’s culturally different from where you live.
Fashion choices and physical presentations that fuck around with gender expectations may also cause locals to look twice and, in some cases, treat a visitor differently. Tight, brightly coloured body-hugging short-shorts might be seen differently from I-just-came-from-the-gym short-shorts.
Gender norms can vary greatly from region to region. For example, outrageously coloured fingernails or an asymmetrical hairstyle on someone who is otherwise masculine-presenting shouldn’t raise eyebrows in downtown São Paulo, Brazil. But in Rio de Janeiro, its sexy, skin-baring rival city, visitors see less gender-bending in personal presentation. In a progressive country like Brazil, nonconformity may not put a traveller in danger, but it may still create great moments of discomfort and exclusion.
The other side of that argument is that gender nonconformity might also trigger likeminded locals, even if they are small in number, to reach out and say hi. Your willingness to flaunt norms should be informed by your knowledge of local culture and laws, and your mettle in talking back to strangers who may interact with you about how you look. In many countries, unfortunately, contacting authorities about harassment and discrimination may result in further problems rather than a helpful response.
Rule of thumb:
Nobody likes to step back in the closet when they travel, but having some backup outfits that will attract less attention is advisable for some situations.
